you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
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My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people