Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
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my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?