These are my emotional support Pringles.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!