accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
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When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Why am I like this?
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”