This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
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Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it