Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
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ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.