Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
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6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
My current situation
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
pizza
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.