[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
You Might Also Like
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Match dot com, but for socks.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes