Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
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As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?