My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
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[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”