Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
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Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.