Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
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i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable