[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
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Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
The funk soul brother
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.