Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
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I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!