I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
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You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.