Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
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If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Cat.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.