It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
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COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.