My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
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An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
When life hands you women, make women laid.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH