me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
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It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
I used to be married, but I’m better now
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
respect
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.