My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
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If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”