Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
You Might Also Like
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
mechanics be like
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
The booster protects against what, now?
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her