Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
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If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now