I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
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Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.