I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
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Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised