Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
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CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
#oldknees
CRYING
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?