Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
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Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!