Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
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Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more