Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
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1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Just me?