Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
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My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Guantanamo Bae
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.