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The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Well, that didn’t work.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts