You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
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My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Weirdos gonna weird.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
The happy life.. 😊
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now