Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
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Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving