A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
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My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
There is wisdom there.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
i will not be silenced