Hit me in the face with a bird
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A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
I don’t know what to do
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Mhm.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.