My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
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Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman