It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
You Might Also Like
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.