Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
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oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Every haunted house movie:
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
I need this for my side hustle.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?