I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
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*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Breaking news:
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be