the saddest jazz hands ever
You Might Also Like
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
felt cute might bury dad later idk
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer