Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
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My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.