*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
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What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Your secret is safeish with me
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.