Selfie
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You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
I have no passwords left in me
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”