“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
You Might Also Like
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.