I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
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Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.