“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
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When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.