Happy thanksgiving!
You Might Also Like
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way