Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
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I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal