Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
You Might Also Like
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
I was just discussing this with my cat
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.