I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
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I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
me irl
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.