Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
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Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators